i’m being tested today, friends.
i was all cute, made up, prepped for work, packed my gym clothes fancy pants working girl ready to GO.
and then i bought a $104 30 day unlimited metro card that was defunct ON THE FIRST SWIPE. i didn’t even get one good swipe with it before the dreaded ”swipe again at this turnstile” showed up.
and then i had to go through negotiations with the crazy mta lady to let me go get on a train instead of buying a new one.
and theeeeeen i got to work late, barely got to catch up on work, sat through a meeting, and then promptly realized that the only cash i had, had fallen out of my pocked at some point during my morning.
AND THEN i went downstairs to get a little side salad for my soup, and the guy who was grilling my tofu FORGOT MY TOFU SO I STOOD THERE AN EXTRA 20 MINUTESLIeRJOW#IRJ%UWEL%J()@#*%@#)WIOSDLFJK.
who needs diligent joy when you have DILIGENT RAGE???
isn’t it amazing the way that things can just push your emotional center around? you think your equilibrium is so damn balanced, like you have things SO under control. and then BAM. something foolish like a metrocard, or some extra cash, or some freeking tofu can push you over the edge. all of a sudden i spent my normal subway time seething instead of meditating. there was no settling into my routine- just frantically searching under my desk and all over my floor for my lost cash. and now it’s almost 3pm, and i realize that i’ve just wasted a huge chunk of the day with my ridiculousness.
also, while we’re on the topic of things we don’t like to admit about ourselves but are going to share on the internet in the name of personal growth-
i’ve found that i take things personally. like, REALLY personally. like, my wife says she’s done some more reading/thinking and would love for us to amend some of our eating habits. do i hear that she would like us to be healthier/happier/live longer, fuller lives together?
i hear that she’s calling me fat.
our brains (well, more specifically, our narratives) have this amazing way of not letting us see situations for how they really are. they assume and fill in blanks with the things we are really feeling about ourselves (can’t button your pants much, abby?). and instead of just dealing with THOSE emotions, they can come out crying to your wife.
but, my friends!
it gets better!
with meditation, and mindfulness, and the reminder that PEOPLE LOVE YOU AND ARE NOT OUT TO GET YOU (unless you’re liam neeson’s daughter).
so, my thoughts today are encouraging ones. to myself, and to you, because i know i am not the only one who has been in these shoes. take some time today for deep breaths, clear thoughts, and loving kindness.
as i keep reminding myself: no one is going to do it for you.